A rant

When will I ever have peace of mind? Why do I always worry about things that I have to do, even before I am asked to do it? Sometimes I lie down on my bed at night waiting for an inevitable message that would ask me to do something. It makes me feel more awful whenever I think that, I could’ve avoided all this. If I just said no. If I refused the invitation to join a frat. If I refused the invitation to join the movement. Sometimes I want to throw my cell phone out the window, because all it really brings to me are tasks and more worries. It never gave me peace of mind. I didn’t ask for this. I don’t need this. I could be focusing on my studies and on activities I really want to pursue. If I just refused.

I feel bad for my mom, sometimes. Whenever she asks for help in our family business, I would say no just because I’m too scared to disobey and fail in a frat task. I feel bad whenever I have to refuse a friend because I’m not sure what my frat would ask me to do by a certain time. I feel the need to always be at my frat’s beck and call. It’s the trauma of initiations that has scarred me for the rest of my junior life in the frat. I will forever be bound to follow. To feel scared to disobey. I honestly feel like a slave sometimes. And the thoughts just keep recurring. I did not ask for this. I could’ve avoided all this. If I just said no. I wouldn’t be worrying about failing my brods every day of my life in 2007. I wouldn’t worry about being scolded or being sanctioned. Why did I subject myself to this sort of stress. I feel so bound and trapped. There’s nothing to look forward to for the rest of the year, for as long as I am a junior.

The thing about having a bit too much commitments in my hands is they barely understand my commitments with the other. “Mas mahalaga ba ‘yang org sa ‘yo?” my party colleagues and my brods would ask me whenever I would beg off from tambay or a minor task in order to attend an org affair. “Mas importante ba ang frat sa ‘yo?” my orgmates or my party would ask whenever I would beg off from an org or a political task to attend to a frat event. “Mas importante ba ‘yang kilusan mo?” my brods or my orgmates would ask. “Di ba may panahon ka naman sa pamilya mo?” they would sometimes add.

What’s more painful is when my parents claim that I spend too much time doing errands for brods that don’t even drive my blood brother to school or help him in his tasks. “And yet your brods demand so much of you and our car, it’s as if it’s theirs. They always ask you to do things just because you drive. You’re too submissive to say no, anak. They’ve been using you the entire year.” If only my academic load would speak, I’m sure they would ask themselves, “Mas importante ba ‘yang mga sinalihan mong ‘yan kaysa sarili mong grades?” None of them understand how difficult it is to be keeping a tad too much commitments. And more, they all haggle for my priority, demanding my almost-sole loyalty to them. I wish I could just vanish. I’m sure they’ll function without me anyway.

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