My French residence permit expired today without me exercising the option to return to France, extend, or apply for citizenship. This puts a definite closure to a dream I once had of establishing a new and permanent life overseas.
Early this year, guided by a curious set of circumstances, I decided to return to the Philippines to take on a career in the Philippine foreign service. Up until yesterday, in the middle of a hectic workday, I was joking with my colleagues that I still had a few hours to spare and I could actually just pack up, take a spontaneous flight and get into Charles de Gaulle just before the 2nd of December ended and still be allowed entry with my valid card. Of course, I didn’t mean it, and my residence card is now ineffective.
Nanghihinayang ba ako? Short answer, no. Nuanced answer is still a no, but I admit reminiscing and fantasizing once in a while on what my life in France would have been had I stayed, pursued a career in Paris and applied for French citizenship this year. These fantasies recur especially during stressful moments at work and when confronted with the agony of living in Manila at times. But these are only fleeting moments of daydreaming.
Above and beyond this fantasy, I’ve decided that my life is worth more than just the pursuit of personal happiness. I wanted my life to be relevant. I’ve long realized that my life would be meaningful if it was in the service of something greater than myself or my immediate family. Fate did not endow me with the sum of my talents and experiences as Filipino the past three decades to live selfishly and obscurely based solely on my own terms and desires. Happiness, I now believe, follows if I pursue fulfillment first and foremost–beyond the day-to-day desire for personal comfort and delight. The career in the Philippine foreign service offered me a perspective beyond one, two, three years. It offered me the a sense of purpose based on a life of service and a sense of fulfillment with the prospect of unique adventures and challenges I don’t think I could get from any other career.
I can say with all sincerity that I am at peace with my decision, and I am looking forward to a lifelong career as a foreign service officer.
