My French residence permit expired today without me exercising the option to return to France, extend, or apply for citizenship. This puts a definite closure to a dream I once had of establishing a new and permanent life overseas.
Early this year, guided by a curious set of circumstances, I decided to return to the Philippines to take on a career in the Philippine foreign service. Up until yesterday, in the middle of a hectic workday, I was joking with my colleagues that I still had a few hours to spare and I could actually just pack up, take a spontaneous flight and get into Charles de Gaulle just before the 2nd of December ended and still be allowed entry with my valid card. Of course, I didn’t mean it, and my residence card is now ineffective.
Nanghihinayang ba ako? Short answer, no. Nuanced answer is still a no, but I admit reminiscing and fantasizing once in a while on what my life in France would have been had I stayed, pursued a career in Paris and applied for French citizenship this year. These fantasies recur especially during stressful moments at work and when confronted with the agony of living in Manila at times. But these are only fleeting moments of daydreaming.
Above and beyond this fantasy, I’ve decided that my life is worth more than just the pursuit of personal happiness. I wanted my life to be relevant. I’ve long realized that my life would be meaningful if it was in the service of something greater than myself or my immediate family. Fate did not endow me with the sum of my talents and experiences as Filipino the past three decades to live selfishly and obscurely based solely on my own terms and desires. Happiness, I now believe, follows if I pursue fulfillment first and foremost–beyond the day-to-day desire for personal comfort and delight. The career in the Philippine foreign service offered me a perspective beyond one, two, three years. It offered me the a sense of purpose based on a life of service and a sense of fulfillment with the prospect of unique adventures and challenges I don’t think I could get from any other career.
I can say with all sincerity that I am at peace with my decision, and I am looking forward to a lifelong career as a foreign service officer.
August 10-16, 2020. Weather has been cooler, which is a relief from the scorching temperatures we’ve been having.
This week I started going to the gym upon realizing that my membership was still active and that the club had credited the months of covid confinement in France to the months when the gyms were allowed to open. In other words, I had a little more than a month to use. I might as well take advantage of the months I had paid for, I thought. Alas, nanggigil ako, I think I overdid some weights after such a long time of not doing any gym/fitness activity.
On Thursday, I had dinner with Thomas, our Filipino friends and his other friends for his birthday, at a nice Italian place in Saint-Cloud, across the Seine from Bois de Boulogne. I just walked all the way from my place, and it turned out to be an hour’s walk along unusual paths. It was my first time to cross the Seine through the Pasarelle de L’Avre, with a nice view of La Défense.
Nothing spectacular the rest of the week. I attended all my classes at Alliance Française. I did a short visit at Ikea near metro Madeleine last Friday. Then on Sunday, bid farewell to my Japanese friend Keishi before he returned for good to Japan.
August 3-9, 2020. This week I started my intensive French classes at Alliance Française Paris. One of the reasons I came back to Paris two months ahead of the start of my LL.M. classes, aside from the primary reason being that I needed to re-enter France before my visa expired and apply for an extension from within continental France, was that I wanted to study French intensively get past my current level of proficiency. The intensive classes are held for four hours every day (except weekends) for two months. Hopefully, I will be able to advance in my proficiency. It would be a shame not to be able to speak, read and write French proficiently after more than a year living in Paris. It took me a while to get used to the first few sessions, it really was intensive, and the primary rule was that we couldn’t communicate in English–at all, so at first I was having a hard time communicating what I didn’t know how to express in French. It felt a lot like drowning, trying to grasp and express words I didn’t know in French like gasping for air. It quickly got better.
This week was also marked by the canicule or heat wave. Day time temperatures have been breaching past 35 degrees celcius daily since Tuesday. The evenings do not bring any relief either, aside from the fact that the sun sets way past 9 in the evening, the heat stays above 30, and worse–there is no wind whatsoever to stimulate the cooling effect of sweat. I often woke up in the middle of the night dripping in perspiration and end up having a bed sheet damp with sweat by morning.
I had been told to buy an electric fan, but the scrimping person that I am, I refused to spend on something that I would only be using for two weeks, maximum–because temperatures are seen to cool down towards the end of the month as autumn comes around the corner.
I met up with my Filipino friends this week. On Tuesday, I met up with Yael, the only other fraternity brother I have in France. We went at the 10e arrondissement at the Canal Saint-Martin area. The summer afternoon atmosphere was amazing, it was like everything was back to normal. People were out enjoying the nice warm weather, hanging out with friends along the canal, lying on the grass in the parks, dancing at the Place de la République, all having a good time like the pandemic was over. We then had dinner at Thai place.
The next day, I met up with my former housemate, Patricia, who along with her boyfriend, hosted dinner at their apartment. I would meet up with her again two days later when we met up with owner of the apartment we used to rent out in Montmartre. I needed to retrieve the rest of my luggage which I had left in the apartment at the beginning of the pandemic. We never got to meet her during our lease because she lived overseas.
On Saturday, I met up with my other set of former housemates and our friends, the ones I lived with in Suresnes when I first arrived in Paris last year. We came together to have a surprise party for Thomas who was celebrating his birthday. We had makeshift samgyupsal using a raclette table grill.
Tonight, I had dinner with my LLM classmates Keishi and Dmitry at Relais de l’Entrecôte near Montparnasse.
July 27 – August 2, 2020. Most days of the past week was spent reconnecting with classmates from the LL.M. program and Filipino friends who had stayed in Paris during the period of confinement.
I had written and posted about the trip to Compiègne and Amiens I took last Tuesday with my Japanese and Russian friends in blog entries here and here, if you want to check it out.
The Monday prior was spent just doing some errands, like returning the keys of my old apartment to the real estate agent near Champs Elysée, and doing some bank errands at La Défense. It was too hot to do anything else outdoors, damn. But being indoors is no relief either as there is no electric fan in the house I am staying in, nor is air-conditioning a normal thing anywhere in the city! I never realized how summer temperatures and conditions can be worse in Paris than if I were in my room in Metro Manila.
On Thursday, I decided to go for a walk around Bois de Boulogne, which is the woods at the western part of Paris, and is just two blocks from where I now live. Parisiens know what this place is known for, but I guess there is room for everyone from the hookers to families with children wishing to enjoy the outdoors. That afternoon, I met up with my friend and ex-flatmate Patricia for lunch near her place in the 17th arrondissement.
That weekend, I met up again with my LLM friends Keishi and Dmitry, this time with Judith, one of our German classmates, flying over for a visit from Dusseldorf! On Saturday, we had apéro drinks along the Seine near Pont Neuf, then walked towards Île de la Cite for dinner at a restaurant in Place Dauphine. We continued walking up until our old stomping grounds near school around Saint Germain, where we ended up at a bar where the beer cost 9 euros a pint!
We met up again on Sunday and had apéro again along the Seine (this time near Pont Alexandre) then walked towards Champ de Mars for pizza at an Italian restaurant.
July 28, 2020. In less than an hour from Compiègne by train, we arrive in Amiens, an affluent mid-size city north of Paris. Upon arriving at the train station, we wasted no time and immediately walked to Musée de Picardie, which was quite a distance from the terminal. We passed through the pedestrian promenades in the center of the city along the way. At that hour, which was around 4 in the afternoon, the sun was still scorching hot so there were few people walking the streets. Many were under the shades of trees in the parks or in the shaded terraces of cafes.
July 20-26, 2020. The first half of last week was spent contemplating on and preparing last minute necessities for my impending departure from Manila. I made last minute trips to the mall, saw some friends, and finally got myself to pack the relatively few things I would be taking with me–considering that I would be staying abroad for a year. They all fit in just one suitcase and a duffel bag, actually. I flew out of Manila on July 22 and arrived in Paris the day after, spending a brief layover in Doha, Qatar. I wrote a separate blog entry narrating the experience of the entire transit.