As I contemplate the seriousness of my LL.M. (Master of Laws) application, I am beginning to have early anxiety attacks. It is possible, after all, to be anxious and excited at the same time.
There have been lingering thoughts that bogged me down the entire week, mostly involving myself having to reassess my motivations and weighing them against the fear of uprooting myself from the Philippines and the uncertainty that comes with it. Does this endeavor really fit my desire to be of service, to find my place in the world, to be happy and find fulfillment? This really just started as a post-bar exam fantasy that I set into motion a few years ago, with no serious expectation that I’d actually get to do it. And yet, here I am today. I have yet to completely wrap my head around the idea of leaving.
Part of my anxiety is due to the fact that, a few days ago, I received a rejection letter from one of the French law schools I had really looked forward to attending. It is that law school that I often had in mind when I daydream being in France. Thus, the rejection disrupted my fantasy. It took me a day or two to get over it. I realized quickly enough that I have been through too many failures that have landed me exactly where I am right now, so I shouldn’t be too impaired by rejections. Experience has taught me that rejections and failures have always brought me to life situations that I wouldn’t anymore imagine not having gone through at this point. So, yes, this bound to lead me somewhere great.
I have started to begin seriously imagining what it would be like to be in France all by myself. I would be living alone, with no friends, no family or relatives–in a place where people speak a language I am not (yet) perfectly fluent in, in a continent where I’ve never been to. I have gone solo backpacking to foreign countries for months and that already made me terribly homesick after the first few weeks–what more a year! Just thinking about leaving makes me miss my family and my friends already, realizing that I will be at least ten thousand kilometers away from them, from the Philippines and everything that I have grown familiar with. Is this worth all that? I take comfort, somewhat, in the thought that it will just be for a year (or two, if I extend), and that I’m coming back anyway–or am I? What if I find my happiness there, or find opportunities I wouldn’t have elsewhere?
I guess I think too much, don’t I? I guess I should just take the plunge.
Here are random photos from this week. I don’t usually go out after work, so hanging out after office hours is something I’d note down. I usually just (I don’t look like it but yeah) go to the gym.
Sunday was the typical weekly family tradition of doing the groceries together and having lunch out.